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The Exotic Erotic Ball and Expo had its 29th annual show over the weekend. For the first time, the shindig was moved from San Francisco’s Cow Palace arena to the more spacious but understandably more suspect venue on Treasure Island, the former Naval base just off the city’s coast. The move didn’t seem to work out as well as hoped, with this year’s attendees complaining about bad transportation, lack of organization and underwhelming performers.

Having never been before, I planned to attend the Expo on Friday and Saturday, hoping for a lively turnout. Soon as I walked in, it became apparent that the Expo was not so much a convention as it was a handful of vendors barely filling out an airplane hangar. Guests looked like mall loiterers, the kinky Burlesque Stage titillating only a sparse crowd, and a stage of Asian diva strippers entertained mostly professional photographers. Not that there weren’t anything good to see, mind you—sexy paintings, crafts and even furniture abound. I was particularly taken by Nikita Duncan’s series of abstract paintings representing the orgasms of various people she’d interviewed. Then there was Pricasso, the incredible artist who would paint your portrait with his penis. It cost $50 for the same quality of caricature you would get for $20 at a theme park, but hey, it comes with a DVD documenting him painting your mug, so you can prove to family and friends that the great Pricasso lived up to his name.

Oh, and there were some $5 porn bargain bins, too. It’s about as nasty as it sounds like.

Once the Ball started Saturday night, however, we finally got to see the whole shebang. Thousands and thousands of people showed up, most either in wild costumes or simply half naked—many of them drunk and hitting on each other. It was definitely not the classy affair it was described to me by Exotic Erotic Ball veterans. Though yours truly was moderately dressed in suit jacket and tee, the two ladies escorting me (not that kind of escort, thankyewverymuch) were dressed appropriately provocative. Four visibly drunken middle-aged superheroes coddled and eye-raped my friend, refusing to let her go even when we told them we were done, which was somewhat amusing, but mostly just gross. The Burlesque Stage then lit up with live S&M acts and a brief Rocky Horror Picture Show performance. It was an improvement over the daytime Expo. The real Ball, though, was inside the three big tents erected on the lot outside the Expo.

We checked the VIP tent first, surveying go-go dancers, in various themed stages, doing their thing. There was a guy we always see at all of these SF events, masturbating away in the middle of the room. We said hi briefly—I waved, he jerked—but I was mostly intrigued by the huge zombie cage in front of him. Those girls in there had to be experiencing some kind of sexual gratification out of being trapped like that. How else did they stay in-character as zombies for so long? George Romero couldn’t get his extras to be that dedicated. Still, even with that performance, the $150 VIP ticket was pushing it, especially without so much of a free drink or a secluded bathroom. Waiting half-an-hour in line for a disgusting overflowing port-a-potty totally screams “Very Important Person.” There was also a VIP gift bag promised, that turned out to be a very lame bag of useless flyers and one DVD. Condoms or lube too much to ask for? What a rip.

The Bling Bling Stage tent had DJs and hip hop acts like Tone Loc, who made the crowd believe he is indeed called Mr. Wild Thing. Over at the Main Stage was the big erotic show, with Ball emcee Paul Nathan shaving porn star Mika Tan’s you-know-what and two girls boxing onstage while wearing nothing but gas masks. There was something political about the latter, but I think something else was distracting my analytical perception of their display a little bit. The crowning point, wouldn't you know it, was literally a crowning. Danny Bonaduce and Rock of Love’s Heather Chadwell hosted the Mr. and Mrs. Erotic Exotic contest, letting the crowd decide the two sexiest individuals of the night with a cheer-o-meter. I often wondered if those VH1 shows have actual fans or if a large portion of their viewership are simply TV zombies who can’t resist trainwrecks, but a woman in front of me proved once and for all that the former group does exist. She screeched, bounced, and shouted her love for the reality TV star like a fourteen-year-old girl witnessing Zac Efron fellate himself. Evidently, Bret Michaels’ STDs breed idols.

The Main Stage wrapped with Los Angeles Battle of the Bands winner LadyFOX, a tight rock act that suffered from being a rock act when the audience only wanted to dance and act sexy. By the second song, they already started ignoring the band, migrating to the Bling Bling tent where a full-on rave was happening. I stayed with LadyFOX for a bit with about a dozen others, before I caved and joined the fun next door. No wonder many of the attendees expressed disappointment. Clearly, they had no famous showstoppers this year, unlike 2007’s Snoop Dogg and Bubba Sparxxx or 2006’s George Clinton and Naughty by Nature.

In the end, the real attraction were the guests themselves. The sexy, dirty-minded people who showed up to party and celebrate their sexuality... by dressing up in costumes or body paint. The costumes we saw ranged from the elaborate (a giant vagina) to the funny (Jedi with dildo lightsaber) to the obviously-just-there-to-tease (angel in lingerie). By and large, it was a preview of what we’re bound to see come Halloween night: sexy nurses, sexy nuns, sexy kitty cats, mermaids, and lots and lots of Heath Ledger Jokers. Oy. I counted two guys who actually committed to the idea—one in the full purple suit, one in a nurse outfit—the rest just painted their faces ‘cause it’s easy.

The Ball was nothing short of a blast, even if the ticket price was questionable and the venue’s production value unsatisfactory—the spirit of the celebration kept it going. Apparently, it was the location that proved to be the kink in the system. Since I actually live on Treasure Island, I can with good conscience say that the view from this place is phenomenal, but the view of this place is far from it. Take a look yonder and you’ll find a stunning picturesque snapshot of the San Francisco skyline, punctuated by the Bay Bridge hunching gloriously over the water and towards the city. Then you turn around and it’s all dark abandoned buildings, deserted bunkers and boarded-up stores just waiting for a corpse to be dumped inside and not found for another twenty years. The problem was that attendees were told not to bring their cars to the island and pay for a special shuttle ride instead, described as giant limos equipped with flat screen TVs and leather seating, plus no line to get on them. Something or other fell through at the last minute and those people had to wait a ridiculous line at AT&T Park to get on grimy tour buses packed to the brim. Might as well had taken the public bus—would have been more capacious. I do hope those poor souls got refunds, because otherwise it was a grave case of false advertising.

As someone who walked fifteen minutes from his home to the venue, the new location was fine with me. Having heard the angry mutters of fellow Ball attendees on our way out (and later online), though, I can’t help but side with that one topless woman’s declaration that they should either move it back to Cow Palace or announce this year’s Ball as the last. We’ll see what happens at the 30-year anniversary.

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Comments (2)

October 29, 2008, Janice Anderson Parker said:

:evil: Being in the entertainment biz for over 15 years, I will say it was a fantastic party, but not as entertaining as previous years. We got there early to catch the Sonic Bids indie band winner "Carnival of Sin" a Motley Crue Tribute who I was told puts on an amazing show... but they took the stage Friday Night. I did track the band down in the VIP Tent as they were having pictures taken with Danny Bonaduce and Heather from the TV series "Rock of Love". We partied with them for most of the night until Ton Loc started his show. I only hope the 30 year EEB is back on track and kickin azz. J A Parker

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October 30, 2008, Terry Mooris said:

	I to enjoyed the Ball, to spite the ground transportation problems, but I cannot compare it to other years as this was our first. I also caught the Crue Tribute Carnival of Sin on the Friday Night. They were awesome. I saw them perform before in LA. Yes, sorry to say, you did miss a good show. TM
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