With today marking the second anniversary of the passing of Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax (he even sounds like some kind of hard as nails dwarf with an axe, doesn’t he?), JustPressPlay takes this moment to look back at a couple of the… less traditionally good examples of the sword-and-sorcery genre. In tribute to Gary we proudly dissect a pair of so-bad-they’re-brilliant fantasy films, that might not be were it not for the dreams two guys, a basement, and a small sack of ridiculously large dice.
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Hawk The Slayer (1980)
Overtly Melodramatic Synopsis:
“Darkness stalks the land”—and apparently so does cheap Germanic font text for exposition, as we find Hawk, a fabled warrior with all the square jawed enthusiasm of a math teacher herded into the school play, gathering a band of warriors to rescue the local Abbes from the clutches of his evil brother, Lord Voltan!
Oh Yeah, Just How Evil Exactly?
Oh, very evil indeed. After killing his dad and torturing his baby brother, Voltan spends those long, wet winter evenings burning the villages of the innocent. And he kills nuns, too. Nuns!
Here, Hang On, I Know Him, Don’t I?
Bernard Bresslaw, who plays Gort the giant, was a staple of the British Carry On series up until his death in the early nineties. John Terry, the enigmatic Hawk, carved out a bit part television career before landing the recurring role of Jack’s alcoholic dad on Lost. But that’s nothing compared to, Lord Voltan, who is none other than the late, great Jack Palance. The venerable Palance went on to forge a successful career, littered with despicable bad guy roles, before landing himself a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role as Curly in City Slickers.
Kittens Go Mew-mew, Wizards Go Pew-Pew:
No wizards, strictly speaking. But we do get a blind druid who is also a sorceress. We know she’s magical because she’s dresses in a flowing robe, carries a stick, and speaks in the same slow, serious whisper irregardless of the situation. She can also transport our hero through space and time with the aide of some spinning hula-hoops dabbed with a bit of luminous paint. On the evil side is what can only be described as a six-foot-tall Jawa, with glow in the dark press on fingernails, who lives in a cave and commands the dark one to do his bidding, without ever actually telling us at any point in time what he wants with a kidnapped nun exactly. Kinky bastard!
Any Liberal Pilfering From The Classics?
While the assembly of a band of warriors to fight evil that comprises two humans, an elf and a dwarf as comic relief is just ever so slightly Fellowship, it can’t be overlooked that Hawk can also command his glowing light sword to his hand purely by the power of his mind. You decide.
Diploma From The Dick Van Dyke School of Crappy Accents:
In a film populated almost entirely by British players, this award goes to John Terry as Hawk for making no attempt at all to mask his unmistakable Florida drawl.
Shameless Scenery Chewing:
As all the best Sunday afternoon drama clubs will tell you, the louder you are the better you are at acting, and the lower to the ground you stoop the more evil you must be. In those fine traditions Jack Palance duly spends the entire movie hunched over like he has just sat on a rusty spike, shouting his lines at the floor.
Lame Special Effects:
A budget that would struggle to finance a toddler’s birthday party sadly dictates that a few hundred luminous rubber balls chucked through a doorway must pass for a “fireball” spell. Then we have the excessive use of the fog machine in order to hide the fact that our heroes are just riding around the same ten acres of the Forest of Dean in a circle. Magically dispatching a nameless goon by cocooning him in silly string is also a nice touch, and extra points are awarded for making absolutely no attempt whatsoever to disguise the fact that it’s silly string either.
Outstanding “WTF?” Moment:
The first time the soundtrack really kicks in and you realize that this entire “fantasy” is going to be accompanied by Disco. That’s right, Disco!
So How Long Can You Actually Take This Film Seriously?
About one minute and twelve seconds, at which point it dawns on you that the room we’re standing in has gold tinfoil for walls and that mystical looking, smoking cauldron is in fact one of those cheap mist and water features that you can get for 1700 prize tickets down at Dave & Busters.
Pop Culture Impact:
The film has generated quite the cult following, not least of which is based on the aforementioned disco soundtrack. In addition, an episode of Simon Pegg & Edgar Wright’s Spaced features an admission by one character that he “punched a man in the face once for saying that ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish!” Now there’s an endorsement.
Krull (1983)
Overtly Melodramatic Synopsis:
Krull chooses the tried and tested ancient prophecy device, which conveniently sidesteps any need to adequately explain the motivations of anyone involved at any time. Handy when you're story involved the random cobbling together of a bunch of apparently suicidal misfits all too eager to engage in a little hypocrisy in the name of fascism. And so it is foretold that a young prince must vanquish an evil monster so as to prevent him from ruling the galaxy, in order that he and his bride might conceive a child that will grow up to…um…rule the same galaxy they just stopped the other guy from ruling…Sorry, run that by us again?
Oh Yeah, Just How Evil Exactly?
The great evil, known only as "The Beast," comes with something of a reputation for roaming through the universe enslaving worlds. But from what we can fathom he seems to be little more than an intergalactic playboy, seeing as his time on Krull appears to be almost entirely devoted to trying to get inside the hot princess’ pants.
Here, Hang-on, I Know Him Don’t I?
Once again Carry On's own Bernard Bresslaw lends his massive 6’7” frame to bring a mythical element to the proceedings as a Cyclops. Well if you are that tall it’s really this or the NBA isn’t it? While hero Ken Marshall’s acting career ultimately went nowhere, his band of merry men is notable for gifting a feature debut to Harry Potter’s Hagrid, Robbie Coltrane, as well an almost non-existent, blink-and-you'll-miss-it part to Liam Neeson, who is sporting a quite outrageous mullet.
Kittens Go Mew-mew, Wizards Go Pew-pew:
What kind of swords and sorcery film doesn’t have any real sorcery? Answer: this one, apparently. While The Beast has powers of illusion and mind control, and the token comic relief has a habit of accidentally turning himself into cute, fluffy animals, the film lacks a bona fide wizard of any kind. The closest we come is a “seer” who has the power to view things remotely by looking into green colored glass. Sorry, that’s just crap!
Any Liberal Pilfering From The Classics?
A band of heroes must transport a magic artifact into the lair of the great evil in order to destroy it. Inspired! They might have even gotten away with that one, but the monent when one of our heroes is pitted against a ferocious giant spider then the film really has nowhere to hide.
Diploma From The Dick Van Dyke School of Crappy Accents:
Certainly this must go to Lysette Anthony in the role of Princess Lyssa, and not based on anything we can hear either. While she might have been drop dead gorgeous, her shrill English tones were deemed so off-putting to an American audience that the producers ordered all her lines re-dubbed by American actress Lindsey Crouse. Ouch!
Shameless Scenery Chewing:
Royal Shakespeare Company’s Freddie Jones is chiefly charged with doling out the exposition, and lending dramatic weight to the nonsense going on around him as the obligatory Obi Wan character our hero looks to for guidance. Yet at any point in time his ham-laden antics seem just two seconds away from him falling to his knees and weeping like a little girl over how after making this shit he will never tread the boards as the Danish Prince again.
Lame Special Effects:
For the longest time the film fools you into thinking that only showing close ups of The Beast’s eyes and hands is something of a playful, dramatic tease. It’s only when we get to the climactic showdown with The Beast that the film fesses up to the fact that they apparently couldn’t actually afford one. Instead our hero faces off against a plasticine reject from Jason and the Argonauts who comes to life via a giant IMAX type screen positioned just to the front of him.
Outstanding “WTF?” Moment:
The first time one of The Beast’s minions is slain and his head explodes releasing something small and slithery that is so cheap and tacky it would embarrass David Cronenberg.
So How Long Can You Actually Take This Film Seriously?
A surprisingly impressive twenty-nine minutes and fifty seconds, at which point the bumbling, idiotic character of Ergo The Magnificent shows up and promptly turns into a goose. A strange move for a film that had, up to that point, gone to great lengths to take itself very seriously indeed.
Pop Culture Impact?
Upon its conception Krull was supposed to be the official Dungeons & Dragons movie adaptation, and was even titled so, with artwork and press releases prepared under that name. At some point before the completion of the film, the Dungeons & Dragons license was removed from the project. Despite that setback the film spawned a board game, a pinball machine, an Atari 2600 video game and a two-issue Marvel comic book series. Whoo, and indeed, hoo!
