Review and news hub for movies, music and video games

Visual:		7.0
Audio:		8.0
Acting:		2.0
Writing:		1.0
Score:		2.0

Director(s):	Michael Bay
Writer(s):	Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman
Starring:	John Turturro • Megan Fox • Shia LaBeouf • Tyrese Gibson • Josh Duhamel
Genre:	Action • Adventure • Sci-Fi
Website:	http://www.transformersmovie.com/
Release Date:	June 24, 2009
Rated:

Of all the things you can screw up when making a Transformers movie, from logic to story to mythological accuracy, nothing would be more offensive than making it boring. That would be fundamentally against the very reason for a Transformers movie to exist. In this purposely silly franchise, Michael Bay was handed the goose that lays golden eggs. Finally, a legitimate reason for his brand of loud stupidity. No one expected more out of Transformers than a vacuous experience wherein the primary excitement is in seeing giant robots slug it out. In a way, that's what I found most enjoyable about the first movie. Its lack of pretense minimizes the potential to torture anybody's good sense the way Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and The Island did.

It took seeing the sequel to realize that there is a skilled craft behind Transformers that made it work even as a whirring, sputtering, exploding display of CGI wankery. How do I know? Because that skill is fatally missing from Revenge of the Fallen, making it an extremely boring and obnoxiously long movie with little pay-off to make up for its decadent 2.5 hours runtime. We don't even get to see the Autobots beyond the opening action sequence, as Bay decided it would be cooler if, in the final battle, we completely ignore Ironhide and co., and the Decepticons get their asses kicked by the US military's awesome might instead.

By now, you might have heard the online chatter about how racist and tasteless the movie is. Specifically regarding the Twin robots that play to negative black stereotype for humor. I thought the claims were grossly exaggerated at first. They weren't. The reason why this is such an assault to good sense is not because it's politically incorrect, but because of how pointless, annoying and unfunny it is. Is there any reason whatsoever why a Transformers movie requires a minstrel show? What does that say, really? I imagine Bay's conversation with screenwriters Kruger, Kurtzman and Orci went something like this:

"Ehren! Alex! Roberto! Listen, I have an idea for new robots!"
"Okay, Michael, go ahead."
"I just saw The Phantom Menace, and I realized that we need to have a Jar Jar Binks. You know what I'm saying?"
"Jar Jar? But..."
"Yeah, yeah! But then, get this. I turned off the movie, right, and my TV switched to VH1 and it was playing Flavor of Love reruns. Now that's what we really need! A Flavor Flav character!"
"Wait, so you want Jar Jar Binks or Flavor Flav?"
"Both! Let's have two of them."
"You want a Jar Jar and a Flavor Flav?"
"No, retard! I want you to combine Jar Jar with Flav, then make two of that. They can be twins. It'll be awesome!"
"Er... So what scene are they going to be inserted into?"
"Huh? You don't understand. I want them to be in the whole movie. In fact, make them more prominent than Optimus Prime or Bumblebee. I think these guys are funnier."
"Uh. Look, okay, but... The NAACP isn't going to make a fuss of this, are they?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm Will Smith's homie, remember? They'll see that when I have this big close-up of the Bad Boys II poster in Sam's dorm room. It'll be fine, this shit's too funny to pass up!"
"All right. Anything else?"
"Actually, yeah. I promised Shia a favor. Write me more scenes of him making out with Megan. Hey, I just got another idea! Why not have a scene where this hot chick is trying to get with Shia, and Megan walks in and sees them! She thinks he's cheating and it'll be so messed up! LOLOL!!"
"Michael, don't say LOL. That's disturbing."

This idiocy matters because Bay applies that lack of good judgment to the entire movie, where it's just one painful joke after another. FOR 2.5 HOURS. I believe Bay misunderstood why people dug the first movie. He seems to have been tricked into thinking that it's the juvenile humor. Why else would he amplify John Turturro's painful schtick, add in a superflous comic relief character in Sam's roommate, and have horrorshows like robots farting, swinging balls and continuously swearing? How is any of that entertaining to anyone who is not a twelve-year-old XBox Live dweller? And why does that crap dominate over action scenes which, again I stress, should be the only freaking reason people go see Transformers?

There's only two questions needed answering: is there enough awesome robot fights? And are they awesome? The answer to both is a resounding no. In my review for the first movie, I noted an aspect that I admired in the (admittedly frenetic and chaotic) action scenes. Bay shot the action from the perspective of pedestrians in the middle of a busy city, giving the robot action a sense of scope and awe. Even when you're not sure what the heck's going on, the turbulence gives you the gist of the excitement. At the very least, it makes you feel the impact of the Transformers. Here, by placing it in open landscapes and shooting in the same wide-medium shots, Bay takes that perspective away and it just becomes a tangled CGI mess. There's no immediacy to any of it. We see the fights more clearly because Bay ups the use of slow motion, but what good is that if it's going to have no weight?

Maybe it's the fault of us fans for letting our guard down and liking the first movie the way we did. Maybe that gave Michael Bay the incentive to push just how much crap he can shove down people's throats. I feel like I graciously lowered my expectations to accommodate him, only to have it dawn on me when it's already too late that I was low enough for him to urinate on. Now I'm covered in piss and I'm angry. Michael Bay didn't rape my childhood. He raped my time.