Review and news hub for movies, music and video games

Movie:		4.0
Picture:		3.0
Sound:		5.0
Extras:		4.0
Score:		4.0

Director(s):	Raman Hui
Writer(s):	Todd Berger and Paul McEvoy (Screenplay), Jed Diffenderfer (Story)
Starring:	Dustin Hoffman • Jack Black
Genre:	Animation
Release Date:	November 08, 2008
Rated:

List Price:	DVD - $10.49
Amazon:

If this were a truly honest world, this companion release to DreamWorks' latest rip-roaring animated hit would be titled Cash-In Panda: Slightly Cheaper Than a Babysitter. At a mere twenty-four minute minutes padded by some paper thin extras, serious questions must surely be raised as to why this supplemental tosh wasn't simply included with the original feature.

Borrowing a little bit from Ah-nuld abomination Kindergarten Cop, Kung-Fu Panda: Secrets of the Furious Five finds the world's most lethargic martial artist, Po (voiced by Jack Black) tasked by Myagi stand-in Shifu (Dustin Hoffman) to serve as teacher to a class of tiny tot bunnies. Terrified and overwhelmed, Po snaps the little buggers to attention and has them sit Indian style while he regales them with origin stories for the Furious Five, with each one serving as something of an Aesop's fable to the nippers.

Mantis is always in too much of a rush and is impatient with the world to catch up. Asked to dispatch a meddlesome gang of gators he rushes off too quickly for anyone to warn him of the traps that lie in wait and so is captured. Only when he learns to sit still and play dead is he able to escape his cell and defeat them.

Lesson: sit still!

Next is the story of the young Viper (Jessica Di Cicco) who being born without fangs carries no venom to protect the village so she hides inside the family hut. But when a rampaging gorilla threatens her father, Viper rises to the challenge using the ancient secrets of the ribbon dance to subdue the beast and save the day.

Lesson: don't be a wuss!

On we go and it's the tale of Crane whom, with his long spindly legs, can't possibly negotiate the obstacle course that's a requirement for entry to the kung-fu school. Until, of course, he attempts it and handily completes it therefore gaining entry to the Kung-fu school.

Lesson: just do it!

Continuing on, we have what must surely be all parents' favorite: the riotously over the top tale of the Tiger (Tara Strong). Tiger never gets picked by any of the nice families at the orphanage because she can't control her temper. Only when she learns not to be so aggressive does she get to leave the orphanage and be loved like all the other good children.

Lesson: quit being a pain or you'll end up alone and unloved at an orphanage.

Capping off this crash course in respectable behavior is the tale of Monkey whom, according to Po, is "bad!" But he's not bad in a good way, he's bad in a really bad way. Monkey likes to play mean pranks on people and chases people out of the village. But a wise old turtle teaches Monkey that it's better to be nice than to be naughty.

Lesson: quit showing up mommy and daddy at the Wal*Mart.

While the basic building blocks undoubtedly have some value for the under fives, it's all very nice, very sanitized and very half-assed. Po is as you would expect, but the vignette stories themselves are presented in some really cheap, really lazy 2D against static backgrounds that look like they were left out in the rain. As extras, which is what they truly are, the contents would be perfectly acceptable. As a standalone disc or even as an un-separated double pack, which is how it's primarily available (yeah right, see how many stores stick to that), DreamWorks should be ashamed of themselves.

DVD Bonus Features

Being the extra features of the extra features, we are perhaps unsurprisingly scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point and it's quite confounding that while this disc is for pre-schoolers only, the extras clearly are not. "Po's Power Play" contains a learn-to-draw tutorial that's way too complicated for the tots to follow along with. There is a digital shell game that's maybe fun to play once. Everything else: printables, sound effects and video game demos require you to stick the disc in a PC instead. "Land of the Panda" is a little more like it with some basic educational stuff on the history of the Chinese animal zodiac and some videos that show off the real-life animals that the characters are based on. Best of all is a mini tutorial that shows the kids a few basic kung-fu stances complete with a whopping "don't try this shit at home please kids" disclaimer.