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No, really. When we first heard they were remaking Karate Kid we at JustPressPlay.net were somewhat upset. It made sense considering all the other remakes that'd been announced but that didn't make it any better. Can you really hope to replicate such iconic moments as "Wax on, wax off", the crane kick training montage, "Cobra Kai!" among many others? No. These iconic Karate Kid moments etched their place into pop culture reference history and will be there as long as we don't forget the original masterpiece.

Which is what the new Jaden Smith vehicle would like.

The new Karate Kid franchise, like any remake, is an unfortunate paradox. It relies on fans of the original, now with kids, to want their spawn to taste a bit of the iconic karate kool-aid they so loved as chitlins. But in so taking their children to see this new breed of Karate Kid they set up the beloved classic to fall by the wayside. So what should these parents do? Should they subject their children to this new wannabe or do their children a real favor and buy the original at Wal-Mart for about $5?

($5, can you believe it? It's a goddamn travesty...but I bought it...)

Unfortunately, if Will Smith, James Lassiter, Ken Stovitz and Jerry Weintraub (a producer on the original) have their way the new generation will never know Ralph Macchio ever had a career. Kind of ironic, all things considered, but cruel nonetheless. On that note, after the new Karate Kid's debut, if your child doesn't know that Jaden Smith is awesome and knows karate - they'll be in the minority. With the remake of the classic they usher in a new standard of film knowledge that kids must know to stay current with their friends. Imagine if you will the following conversation:

Kid 1: ...and then Jaden kicked the guy and won the karate tournament.

Kid 2 (the classicly educated one): Oh you mean Daniel-san?

Kid 1: Who-da-san?

Kid 2: Daniel-san. The Karate Kid.

Kid 1: Idiot. The Karate Kid's name isn't Daniel-san. That's stupid. You're stupid.

Let the therapy begin.

To fully understand the scope with which their f--king with the original, let's look at the new premise, shall we?

Jaden Smith (a child actor who owes his father his current career) has been relocated to an "exotic Asian locale" -- thanks Variety -- where he finds himself the outcast who must learn to defend himself by taking karate lessons from an eccentric teacher played by Jackie Chan.

When I said "f--king with the original" I didn't mean ruining, I meant retelling the story just with three minor changes: different kid, place and respectable Asian actor. This is, to me, the laziest kind of rewrite possible. They're not changing the plot - as I'm sure Jaden's girl interest will be dating the head honcho of the opposing karate gang - they're just tinkering with small details to make it less volatile to those still loyal to the original. While that's typical remake bullshit, here the changes are so minor, you have to ask "Why even remake this?"

The original is still very much applicable - in fact, that's one of my favorite parts - it's a new kid in town who in order to learn the self-defense he wants he's forced to learn the discipline he needs. There are no severely dated anachronisms in the film, they don't do anything that's less family friendly than what this new one will aspire to and they don't have performances that come across as overtly cheesey.

So why the remake? Why?

Cash money. Yes, we know the film industry is a business, but this remake is perhaps one of the most shameless on the books. At least with the horribly wretched The Next Karate Kid (starring tomboy Hillary Swank) they kept Pat Morita around to establish it as a quasi-legitimate sequel.

The series should have died with Mr. Morita.

Let's do a quick comparison. Try to identity the solemn respectable actor and then try to identify the somewhat squirrely martial arts star. Go!

Oh, and "karate" is Japanese. Jackie Chan is Chinese. At least change the name to "Kung Fu Kid". Hell, imagine the possibilities! You could have a Kung Fu Panda/Kung Fu Kid crossover! Everyone loves that!

And you didn't even have to f--k with the beloved classic!