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The End of Humanity (According to Movies)
Written by Lex Walker
Wednesday, 04 February 2009   

We know it's going to happen. Scientists tell us that if something doesn't wipe us out in the next thousand years the death of the sun will. Such a fun thought. But what do scientists know? Those nerds. Here at JPP we use movies to divine our futures - and goddammit the future looks bleak. To get an accurate sampling of every conceivable death for humankind we sampled 100 movies and divided the grim fates into 11 categories. We found it surprising that while there are certainly apocalyptic categories that stand out in our mind (thanks to blockbuster advertising) the ones we thought would be highest...aren't.

Here we go...

#11. Religious Apocalypse or the Anti-Christ

And you thought the Pope looked evil

religions

 

Likelihood: 4%

Movies: The Omen (1976), The Devil's Advocate (1997), End of Days (1999), The Omen (2006)

Why worry? Apparently, as long as Arnold is alive he won't let the world come to an end (End of Days). So don't.

 

 

#10. Apes

Goddamn, dirty Apes

apes-trio

Likelihood: 5%

Movies: Planet of the Apes (1968), Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970), Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972), Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973), Planet of the Apes (2001)

Why worry? Considering we laugh at them for throwing poo - they might have it in for us. We've been warned.

 

 

#9. Nuclear Holocaust

Because we just had to press that red button

mushroom-cloud

 

Likelihood: 5%

Movies: On the Beach (1959), Dr. Strangelove (1964), A Boy and His Dog (1975), The Day After (1983), The Sum of All Fears (2002)

Why Worry? It's tied with Apes, but don't let that fool you.

 

 

#8. Meteors

Man battles its greatest foe: giant freakin' rocks

meteorites_asteroid

Likelihood: 6%

Movies: When Worlds Collide (1951), Meteor (1979), Fifth Element (1997), Armageddon (1998), Deep Impact (1998), Apocalypse (2007),

Why worry? The odds according to the movies aren't great. Either we stop the meteor with nukes or drills - or we're goners.

 

 

#7.  Human Stupidity

We don't need anyone's help.

501px-human.svg

Likelihood: 8%

Movies: Silent Running (1972), Soylent Green (1973), Logan's Run (1976), Cannibal Apocalypse (1980), The Quiet Earth (1985), Akira (1988), Tank Girl (1995), The Postman (1997), Wall-E (2008)

Why worry? Because without Human Stupidity #9 and #6 wouldn't be a problem. But we just had to have that MP3 playing toaster oven.





 

#6.  Technology

You don't know it yet, but your iPod hates you

terminator02

Likelihood: 9%

Movies: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), Terminator (1984), Terminator 2 (1991), The Matrix (1999), The Matrix Reloaded (2003), The Matrix Revolutions (2003), Terminator 3 (2003), I, Robot (2004), Transformers (2007)

Why worry? Imagine a world where Google is evil.

 

 

#5.  Zombies

They just won't stay dead!

zombie

Likelihood: 10%

Movies: Night of the Living Dead (1968), Dawn of the Dead (1978), The Return of the Living Dead (1985), Return of the Living Dead II (1988), Night of the Living Dead (1990), Return of the Living Dead III (1993), Cemetary Man (1994), Shaun of the Dead (2004), Land of the Dead (2005), Severed (2005)

Why worry? Depends on whether or not the zombies can run or if they just waddle.

 

#4.  Giant Monsters

Size does matter

them_giant_ant

Likelihood: 10%

Movies: Gojira (1954), Them! (1954), The Beginning of the End (1957), Deadly Mantis (1957), Ghostbusters (1984), Mosquito (1995), Mimic (1997), Godzilla (1998), Reign of Fire (2002), Cloverfield (2008)

Why worry? Honestly, a giant ant seemed to work for the characters in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. But that may have been a fluke. Yes, be afraid.

 

 

#3.  Natural Forces

Okay, maybe we deserve this...maybe not

storm1

Likelihood: 11%

Movies: The Birds (1963), Waterworld (1995), Last Night (1998), The Day After Tomorrow (2004), Category 7: The End of the World (2005), Children of Men (2006),  An Inconvenient Truth (2006),  10.5 Apocalypse (2006), Sunshine (2007), The Happening (2008), 2012 (2009)

Why worry? Whatever your stance on global warming, if the world does go into worldwide disaster mode we don't really have much hope.

 

#2.  Disease

ebola_quarLikelihood: 12%

Movies: Andromeda Strain (1971), Omega Man (1971), The Stand (1994), 12 Monkeys (1995), Outbreak (1995), 28 Days Later (2002), Resident Evil (2002), Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), 28 Weeks Later (2007),  I Am Legend (2007), Resident Evil: Extinction (2007), Blindness (2008) 

Why worry? No one covers their mouth anymore when they cough.

 

#1.  Aliens

Mulder was right...

alien_from_the_movie

Likelihood: 20%

Movies: Mars Attacks the World (1938), The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951), It Came from Outer Space (1953), War of the Worlds (1953), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1956), Earth vs. The Flying Saucers (1956), Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978), Mars Attacks! (1996), Independence Day (1996), Starship Troopers (1997), The Faculty (1998), Intolerance (2000), Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001),  Intolerance II: The Invasion (2001), Intolerance III: The Final Solution (2004), War of the Worlds (2005),  Alien Apocalypse (2005), Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), The Invasion (2007), The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)

Why worry? Because at some point it seems we pissed off every other sentient species in the known universe - and they all want us dead. Except for E.T., for now.