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Ever since it was announced last week that there was going to be a feature-length remake of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (not even the television show; the movie), the fan community has been reacting with the predictable mixture of horror at what the producers could possibly be conceiving and inability to comprehend who this reboot could possibly be aimed at.

Admittedly, I don’t really know. But this in addition to a long stream of other recent remakes (we're all looking at you, Platinum Dunes), are conspiring to take the few remaining strands of original thought in Hollywood and squish them like so many grapes between the toes of a Frenchman (they do that, you know; it's how wine is made). It’d be easy to complain here, but I’d feel like I was simply copying and pasting older articles and simply replacing Psycho or The Wicker Man or Friday the 13^th with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Instead, I’d like to help. I understand that ideas are about as bountiful as safe investments these days, and that major Hollywood studios have deadlines to keep (and let’s face it, we’re not all totally opposed to the idea of watching something we liked again, but different this time), so I thought I’d offer up some slightly better considered ways to pander to my generation’s checkbooks. Granted, not all of these may strike everyone the same way, but I think that there’s a chance that each and every one of these could be more watchable than, say, a feature-length remake of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

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Superman 2

I recognize that I am one of the few people on the internet who continues to defend Superman Returns (though for the few of us there are, we can be surprisingly convincing and forceful), but there has been a small idea, vague but persistent, that has bothered me ever since I saw it: Bryan Singer should have just remade Superman 2. To me, Superman 2 and Superman Returns act as surprisingly good counterpoints to one another, with each possessing what the other lacks (Superman 2 is sharp and action-packed, while Superman Returns has the technical scope and realism). The fact that Warner Brothers was willing to release the ‘Richard Donner Cut” of Superman 2 is more than enough to suggest to me that the comic public has its share of unfinished business with the film; while it may seem taboo to remake a sequel without remaking the original, you have to ask yourself: why? Is there any really good reason for that? Would you not pay to see it? I don’t think there’s a better story in the entire Superman canon than the one here, and I think that doing it right (without all of that goofy nonsense that Richard Lester jammed into the movie) would more than regain the cultural territory that the Man of Steel has lost to the Dark Knight since the late 1980s.

The Dead Zone

But this is already a television show, you may or may not be saying. I counter with the fact that I have not actually seen the show, and can therefore remain willfully oblivious and just presume that there’s absolutely nothing in it to counter my point. I will say, however, that as much as I like David Cronenberg and Christopher Walken, I can definitely imagine a better version of what I feel to be one of Stephen King’s strongest novels (and that it’s hard to imagine Anthony Michael Hall filling those shoes). Given the right amount of creative freedom (i.e. outside of a major studio, possibly somewhere like Fox Searchlight) that would allow a solid director and a solid star (Michael Shannon is the first person that I can think of) to avoid the ‘jump’ scares that seem to define nearly all supernatural thrillers of the past decade. This could not only work, but it could be successfully updated to the modern day (which couldn’t be said of nearly everything else that they’ve tried that with). It’s only too easy to imagine some character actor (too easy to suggest Josh Brolin?) channeling the Bush cabal with the demented politician Greg Stillson. Like everything, it would depend on the right people, but I think this is one original that wouldn’t be too difficult to top.

Little Shop of Horrors

Since Moulin Rouge, studios have been trying left and right to determine exactly what modern audiences want out of a musical. Some attempts have been successful (at the time, I think most of us were reasonably entertained by Chicago, even if we couldn’t get behind a Best Picture nomination, let alone win), others less so (the less said about Joel Schumacher’s The Phantom of the Opera, the better). But they didn’t really hit their stride until Hairspray, 2007’s hit that somehow managed to appeal to both the older family set and cynical Gen Yers in one fell swoop. The secret? Staying self-referential (shorthand for "starring Christopher Walken") while still maintaining enough energy for you to suspend disbelief even after the cast has broken out into song and dance for the seventh time. It’s hard to imagine that same formula working better with any show other than Little Shop of Horrors. Naturally, man-eating plants are an endless source of inspiration for all major art forms (what movie wouldn’t be made better with a giant venus fly trap? Sophie’s Choice? Pfff!), but they also help things from getting too ahead of themselves. While it’s certainly not impossible to screw up this show, it’s already got a serious ace in the hole in that any remake would be based on something that doesn’t completely suck in the first place (did I already mention The Phantom of the Opera?). Cast the right nerd (anyone but Michael Cera), the right crazy dentist, and the right voice for the giant plant (in one scene, at one point, even if he doesn’t sing, please let it be Morgan Freeman), and this is a sure thing.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

I have not seen the original film, but I don’t think that matters, because neither has anyone else that would be in this film remake’s target demographic. If anything, like me, they saw the old VHS tape sitting just out of reach at the video store and, their imagination piqued by this explosively mammaried woman being tied to a stake with an expression that could be described as less than concerned, always sort of remembered it. Or maybe they even asked a parent, only to be ushered away to the kid’s section when The Pagemaster was still a new release. I bring up this film only because I think it would be perfect for Rose McGowan and Robert Rodriguez. The two of them have been trying to get a remake of Barbarella off the ground for years to no avail (probably because it’s an awful idea), but something like this would be much easier to finance. If done with the right sense of playfulness, it wouldn’t totally suck. And, you know, McGowan has never really been ashamed of showing of her more physical attributes as character positives in her career. Just saying.