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Now, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Dear lord, another stupid article about video game to movie adaptations?! WTF JustPressPlay, this is stupid.’ Well shut your brain up. Because we’re not here to bitch and moan about the past failures or even the past successes. No sir. We’re classier than that (for this article). We could talk about something funny like a meta-adaptation like The Nines or (the less-real) The Movies: The Movie or the truly absurd like Pac Man: The Movie (which is actually being considered) – but we’d rather suggest Hollywood ditch the game genres where story is sacrificed on behalf of gameplay.

Because video game adaptations aren’t hopeless. They’re just adapting the wrong games – because Hollywood is full of morons who can’t see past initial game sales to the content of the games themselves. They’ve chosen genres where story is second to mindless button mashing and teenagers yelling obscenities over headsets. How about you adapt some games with actual character(s)?

Yes, first-person shooters enjoy popularity in the United States like no other genre – so the movies should make it big right? Well, not so much as past box office tallies have shown. In fact if you trust Doom or The House of the Dead – the current efforts to convert Halo or Gears of War would be better spent researching new ways to creatively flaunt the burning of money. Even third-person horror survival games have had their fair go in theaters with Silent Hill, Resident Evil, and Alone in the Dark – all horrible failures. Fighters? Street Fighter, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation all knocked out in disappointing box office bouts. Yes, yes, the games adapted so far have storylines – but story isn’t the basis of those games. Usually the selling point of the games adapted are “Shoot and kill”, “Punch and kick and kill” or “Run while shooting to not be killed”.

But RPGs and adventure games hold the most promise for cinematic adaptations. Unless you're Brett Ratner, in which case you think adapting Guitar Hero makes sense.

Here are 10 games that may be old old but have great stories and – wait no, that's enough. Having a great story puts these franchises heads and tails above everything adapted so far.

Monkey Island

Made by LucasArts back in the time when adventure games were king, Guybrush Threepwood eked out a living as perhaps the worst and most timid pirate in the Caribbean. Filled with hilarious dialogue and memorable characters, each entry in the series is pretty much a film waiting to be made. Hey studios, you know what the best part is? There are four of them! Sequels prepared and ready to go! While Pirates of the Caribbean may have gone stale by installments 2 and 3, the Monkey Island episodes never tired. Even in the fourth game (made weaker by its 3D graphics rather than stronger – which I think says a lot) the funny kept flowing like sea water against the hull of a mighty galleon.

What stands in the way? Believe it or not, many years ago there was a plan to make a Monkey Island movie. The characters were laid out, the story was there – and then the project dried up. So what happened to all the hard work? Well, the character design and personality traits developed by the writer were recruited to a new project about pirates – yeah, that’s right. Captain Barbossa’s striking resemblance to the Zombie Pirate LeChuck is no coincidence. The head writer of the proposed Monkey Island movie went on to pen The Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Any hope? You bet! After all, it was made by LucasArts and we’ve all seen how George Lucase likes to squeeze every cent out of a franchise. Give it time.

Space Quest

Roger Wilco. Sludge Vohaul. Time travel. Comedy. Everything that didn’t make sense in Star Wars, Star Trek, Alien and every science fiction movie ever goes on parade in what still stands as one of the funniest series Sierra ever made. That anyone ever made, really. Roger Wilco rises and falls and rises and falls in the pecking order of the universe as the janitor with the most exciting interstellar life ever. Whether he’s fighting evil video game corporations, being chased through time or preventing a phlegmy alien species from taking over the universe, Roger Wilco is the every man. His adventures were hilarious, the narrator his greatest tormentor and the possible deaths were plentiful.

What stands in the way? The same thing that stood in the way of Space Quest VII: Sierra. New Space Quest projects have been dancing the limbo ever since Space Quest: The Spinal Frontier. Just when you think they’ve got another one coming, it all falls through in development hell.

Any hope? Well, it’s been in a coma for more than six years now and considering the failure thus far has been on Sierra committing to the project, it would be interesting to see their reaction to Paramount or Fox taking it out of their hands and funding it themselves. Star Trek just got a boost in resurgence, so a smart and apt space comedy might seem timely in the years to come. If so, the Space Quest Series is the perfect place to start.

King's Quest

Yeah, you might’ve seen that coming. But think about it like this: if one of the King's Quest adventures was given the proper respect with set and costume details like in the recent Duchess but with the feel of the classic Legend, this film could end up in Oscar territory for some of the technical awards. Furthermore, it’d be the perfect revival of a classic genre that could be made as a nice in-between for younger and older audiences alike. If Stardust can work, there’s hope for a King's Quest movie as well. Like the two series before this one, there’s about 5 or 6 pre-written stories just waiting for the right studio.

What stands in the way? Sierra, again. They’re like a gigantic rock blocking off a treasure trove. If some herculean studio could work up the muscle to roll that gigantic stone away and pluck up the rich titles beyond, they might be able to put an end to Sierra’s Sisyphean issues once and for all.

Any hope? Period pieces are almost always immediate contenders for set design, costume and makeup work. If the right studio put this into the proper hands, they could get a lucrative award-winning franchise up and running – and what studio wouldn’t find that tempting?

The Legend of Zelda

Come on – just pick one. Any of ‘em. Like King's Quest, you’ve got a prefabricated universe with characters and storylines just rearin’ to go. Hell, some fans even put together a trailer a year back that looked pretty damn excellent. If a studio can’t use one of the pre-established stories of Link and Zelda as they toil against Gannon, then something has gone horribly wrong in Hollywoodland. These films also have ripe sequels waiting in the wings and if given the production value of The Lord of the Rings series, these films could have “money-maker” written all over them.

What stands in the way? Honestly, no one’s quite sure. Development hell could be attributed to any number of things. For one, the Nintendo franchises have a notorious record for failure (outside that one rare Pokemon movie) – so it’s understandable that no studio wants another Super Mario Brothers on their hands.

Any hope? This is The Legend of Zelda, the only more prolific gaming franchise out there is Mario and it did pret- Oh yeah. Well, hopefully some ambitious Peter Jackson-type will pick up the mantle and run with it. Someday.

Kingdom Hearts

Disney and Squaresoft hit a home run with their hybrid series. Sora (a new kid created just for the series) teams up with Donald Duck and Goofy in a quest against a mysterious dark force that threatens to subvert the worlds of various Disney franchises and destroy the Disney kingdom ruled by none other than Mickey Mouse himself. Regardless of whether or not you like RPGs or if you think ‘Disney is stupid’ this concept made for a kick-ass game. The story, like any RPG, stretches on for hours and hours leaving plenty of room for film adaptation with little need for writers to come in and create new, unnecessary plotlines [read: screw everything up]. To sweeten the deal, various Final Fantasy characters help the characters along the way meaning there’s plenty of action and yet the kiddies still get their favorite Disney heroes on the screen. It might not be safe for the younger chitlins, but if Disney ever wanted a movie guaranteed to restore its street cred to the new teenager generation – this movie would do it.

What stands in the way? Frankly? Nothing. Unless you think Disney might be afraid of kids being exposed to Donald and Goofy hacking up black little gremlins. Oh yeah, that. Still, worth doing.

Any hope? Squaresoft and Disney already have an amiable relationship, the franchise is going strong and well, wouldn’t you know it, they have one of the biggest studios on the planet as a creator behind the series. If they can figure out how to market the movie without putting up posters too close to the daycare centers of the world, I think it’s doable.

Day of the Tentacle

One of the best animated games LucasArts ever put out. It was zany, breezy and cool – and yet managed to sidestep any hentai-related eroticism. Come on, that’s pretty impressive. As it’s technically a sequel, the movie might need to start with a credit sequence which outlines the events of the original game – or they could just make a movie of the first one too. Frankly, anyone familiar with the series shouldn’t mind a bit. So what’s the appeal? When a mad scientist’s assistant tentacle drinks toxic waste, it grows arms, a unibrow and a taste for global domination. That’s right – any plot with a seemingly harmless creature trying to take over the world gets instant high marks in my book. That’s why Pinky and the Brain is so great. Added bonus: the tentacle oddly resembles a clown hat with arms.

What stands in the way? All it needs is for some guy in the properties office at LucasArts to say, “Hey, these games have just been sitting here. Surely there’s a way we can make more money off them!” And we all know, again, how much George Lucas loves money.

Any hope? Give it time. This will happen eventually.

Seiken Densetsu 3  (Secret of Mana series)

The greatest SNES JRPG you never played (unless you were an emulator junkie). The story is rich, the characters diverse and with three possible storylines. The locations alone were beautifully rendered in the game and it has enough general fantasy elements that any newcomer could sit down and get lost in mere moments. Like any RPG, Seiken Densetsu 3 comes with a complete and full story with no need for expansion – only paring down for a manageable run time. The possible main characters include a thief, a sorceress, a paladin, a werewolf, an amazon and a sprite (I think she was a sprite). I mean right there you have all of the general iconic archetypes of the fantasy roleplaying world. It’s like a prepackaged version of Dungeons and Dragons with a guarantee it won’t suck (if they stick to the pre-existing storyline).

What stands in the way? Who the hell has heard of Seiken Densetsu 3? The Secret of Mana series holds a bit more weight, but even it has faded from the limelight as a major series.

Any hope? Again, it’s a Squaresoft product – but this time there’s no Disney automatically tied into the deal. Maybe if Kingdom Hearts: The Movie ever happens Disney will go digging through Squaresoft’s closet looking for hidden gems.

Chrono Trigger

Considered by many to be one of the greatest RPGs ever made, Chrono Trigger has enough material for an entire trilogy. Time travel, ancient kingdoms, futuristic wastelands and almost every conceivable plot device you could hope for. There are even dinosaurs. Come on! If done right, Chrono Trigger could put every time travel movie ever made to shame. There have been talks about Chrono Trigger updates and there was a rehash for the Playstation years after its SNES release – but a movie of the game could be positively breathtaking.

What stands in the way? Will. Someone at a studio needs to stand up and say, “Hey, there’s this great fan-favorite video game called Chrono Trigger – it’s rich, deep and well-written – all we’d have to do is get a director and pay for it.” Now if only Hollywood was capable of looking at games older than 2 years for film ideas.

Any hope? It stands as one of the greatest RPGs of all-time and it has a story and script waiting to be committed to film. There’s so much potential.

Super Mario RPG

I know, I know, we already made a slight against the Mario-verse for having delivered an abysmal movie. But that’s only because once again a studio tried to infuse a very simple story with a lousy script and overcomplicated plot devices. It’s easier to cut down that it is to expand – that’s why I’m a film critic (snap). But similarly, with any other Mario-based game (excluding  Super Mario RPG) you’re taking a barebones concept and trying to inflate it to cover a meatier cinema frame. It doesn’t work. That’s the basic problem every game-turned-movie runs into. But Super Mario RPG has a legitimate story which is the entire purpose of the game and not just an afterthought. An enormous sword comes down from the sky and takes over Bowser’s castle. Mario, Princess, Bowser and a few new characters team up to rid the Mario-verse of these unwanted bad guys. The game was one of the best RPGs to debut on the SNES (in its waning days) and remains in the top 3 Mario games of all time (for me).

What stands in the way? Mario. That name alone might make some studios run for the hills. Even if it made its share of coin in the box office, there’s such huge negative flak awaiting it in the online community.

Any hope? Like I said, this is the one Mario game that has a legitimate storyline that could support a movie on its own merits. If any Mario title can undo the hurt left by the original Mario film – it’s this one.

Final Fantasy

First, let’s be very clear: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within really isn’t a real Final Fantasy movie. It may seem like a long cut scene from a FF title, but it has very few of the iconic elements of a FF story. Pick an installment, any installment – except Final Fantasy VII. Not because it’s lesser, but because it’s been explored to all ends with so many separate spin-offs. Instead I’d say choose one of the more visually creative installments of the last 4 or one the earliest 6. The series as a whole sports some of the most elaborate plotlines, breathtaking scenery and best character development – it pretty much screams for someone to make a movie out of them. So what did Hollywood do? It went and wrote a totally unrelated adventure and slapped the Final Fantasy moniker across its front. Besides some kickass animation there’s not too much about it worth remembering – save for comically bad voice overs.

What stands in the way? Like Mario’s unfortunate screen adaptation history, Final Fantasy has earned a cinema reputation as a dud. You’d like to think that one of the most popular video game franchises would be able to sell itself onto silver screens a second time – but the bitter taste of the first time might be too strong.

Any hope? Again, one of the longest-running and most popular video game series in the world, eventually someone will want to dabble in the waters of a Final Fantasy film once again. Here’s hoping they have the good sense to adapt a story and not create an inferior one.