If you’re going to see this movie, see it on its opening weekend. Because after that date has passed, it won’t be the same movie… it’ll be a husk, a shell of what it once was. If you don’t see this movie tonight, don’t see it at all, cause the crowds just won’t be there to make it seem better.
The remake of a very damn good 80's slasher, My Bloody Valentine 3D loves you very much. It wants to hold you close, damn close, and then it wants to ram a pickaxe into your eyeball. Seeing it in 3D is the only way to see it, bar none. In fact, its death scenes are so completely dependent on the 3D experience that you might as well read what’s happening in text if you’re planning on seeing it in 2D. With an opening night crowd and a set of 3D specs, and either a woman by your side or your bros hollering obscenities at the screen, the movie really will be an event. Without these necessary items, you may as well not see it at all.
Synopsis time. There’s an old hick mining town and bad shit has happened there. After a cave-in clenched the town in the cold grip of fear, it was discovered that what claimed the lives of 5 innocent miners wasn’t any accident—it was cold-blooded murder.
Anyway, the killer fell into a coma and everybody went about their lives, but a year later the dude woke up and started hackin’ horny teenagers up left and right, pulling in a body count well into the double digits. Yeah, it’s awesome. Old crazy Harry Warden died, though, and the murders fell off for a decade. Now Harry’s back, or someone that looks an awful lot like a man with a gas mask on his face. And this time, it’s awesomer.
Hokay, let’s see here—we gotch’er gougings, your spikings, your disembowelments. We gotch’er requisite Fulci homage and a ripped jaw. A scalding, a full-on head impalement, and a whole lotta exposed ribcages. All in all, this is one gory-ass motherf--ker, and it took balls to get some of this shit past the MPAA, so good on ya, Lussier. There’s fun to be had here, and that’s all it’s in the name of. Sure, there are some awesome set pieces, but most of them are your standard slasher setups, and there are very few if any legitimate scares for the slasher vet. That said, this is some applause-worthy shit, and fully worthy of your 12 dollars (yeah, there’s that 3D fee, but seriously, if you don’t wanna pay the extra 2 bucks, don’t pay anything).
[Spoilers coming. Spoilers coming.]
Now, about that ending. I understand that it was set up pretty well, and there are some shots that directly allude to it, but the split-personality thing was a misfire. It makes sense and it works in the context of the story and it doesn't cause mistakes to pop up in the timeline of events (something I unfortunately can’t say for the original film), but it just comes off as a killjoy in that big showdown climax. I actually love the ending of High Tension, which is similar, because what people didn’t realize was that in addition to being built up and scripted exquisitely, Alexandre Aja made it work by pacing the finale differently, and letting us catch our breath before the real climax. In Valentine, Pattrick Lussier makes the fatal error of totally stopping the movie and then proceeding on business as usual, which deadens the tone of the final fight so much that you’re no longer energized. You feel sad for the killer more than anything else, and the electrifying pace the film had built up for a hundred minutes just dies away. It’s a shame, too, since there is a good story here, and it can be telegraphed by a careful viewer, but it just wasn’t handled well.
[End spoilers]
Anyway, beyond that misstep, the movie works overall. Fan favorite Tom Atkins gets to be a little rougher around the edges than we’ve typically seen from him, and the gore overall is really convincing. Also, Todd Farmer writing himself into a nearly hardcore sex scene took cojones the size of which most men can only dream. But am I the only one here that’s a bit tired of slick Hollywood slashers with limitless budgets? I mean, sure, this movie didn’t have THAT huge a budget, but there’s something to be respected about low-budget indie filmmaking. It simply can’t be duplicated by a multi-million dollar studio-financed movie. Even with the 3D goodness all over this flick, I still prefer Adam Green’s ’06 indie Hatchet, not only because it did more with less, but because it was a better film, as well. Some of you out there didn’t like Hatchet, and you’re entitled to that viewpoint, but Green’s film is respectable because of his tireless devotion to seeing it through on a limited budget. I doubt Patrick Lussier, who’s directed five films before this and has been editing Wes Craven’s stuff for years, had that much trouble securing finances and locations and whatnot with horror superpower Lionsgate backing him. No offense towards Lussier, as he’s got the moves, but I dunno, would he disagree with me on this? Hard to say.
"My Bloody Valentine 3D" opens January 16, 2009 and is rated R. Horror. Directed by Patrick Lussier. Written by Todd Farmer, Zane Smith. Starring Jaime King, Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith, Tom Atkins.
