Horror remakes never aim too high because the producers and directors know they don’t have to. They can make a horror film cheap and make it all back in a single weekend, so why bother with a little thing called effort? My Bloody Valentine 3D, adds a little bit of edge to the 1981 horror “classic” using a mixture of a semi-decent cast and, of course, 3D. There’s another famous horror franchise that used the 3D gimmick: Friday the 13th. But can anyone say that the 3D aspect of Friday the 13th: Part 3 made it better? Will anyone? My Bloody Valentine 3D makes a lot of the same worthless uses of 3D by sticking objects ridiculously close to the camera – but it also clearly learned from its predecessor’s failings. Unfortunately, there’s more wrong with My Bloody Valentine 3D than this.
The movie opens with a collapsed mine and a crazed lunatic within. It seems Harry Warden (Richard John Walters) killed his 5 miner colleagues in order to preserve the air during the cave in. When the rescue crew finally pulls Harry out, he’s in a coma – where he stays for a few months. Harry eventually awakens and slaughters a hospital staff in a gruesome fashion. Hearts ripped out, heads split open, and no shortage of blood and gore. For horror standards it’s a promising start. In his final act, Harry Warden returns to the mine of his rampage where a group of teenagers have assembled for a night of drunken fun. Not all make it out alive, but Sarah (Jaime King) and Axel Palmer (Kerr Smith) are among the lucky few. They never leave the town, but their near-death experience stays with them.
Ten years pass, and the third survivor of that night returns home for the first time since. Tom (Jensen Ackles) wanders into town only to be rounded up as one of the suspects in what seems to be a series of copycat killings of Harry Warden. Charges of murder don’t make romancing Sarah, Tom’s ex-girlfriend and Axel’s wife, any easier. As the visage of a pickaxe-armed man in a gas mask becomes a real nightmare once again, the drama between Axel, Tom and Sarah heats up. There are countless red herrings and misleading clues to take the viewer down very predictable paths. My Bloody Valentine 3D’s problems arise when it loses site of its own endgame with all the tricks it tries to play. When the final revelation does come through, the movie has contradicted its own ending numerous times. The ending My Bloody Valentine 3D has simply can’t be, even by the stretch of logic they attempt to tie it all up with. It’s as if they took a page out of M. Night Shyamalan’s “Book of Twists” and then ignored all of the steps required to get to the twist. If the twist isn’t plausible – it’s just an empty narrative trick.
There’s one bright spot in the My Bloody Valentine 3D cast, but it’s important to note that this movie is far and away some of his worst work. We can either blame the script, the direction or Jensen Ackles not really caring too much about the movie. Choose one. Meanwhile, Kerr Smith plays perhaps the most laughable young sheriff I’ve ever seen on screen. While it’s clear the town considers itself backwater, that’s really no excuse for instating an immature and childish man to be the sheriff. Giving a character a position of power and then neglecting the character attributes that make them fit in said job, isn’t a clever device for story progression, its sloppy writing. Finally, we have Jaime King who falls safely in the middle with nothing notable about her performance. It’s a horror film, so we don’t expect an Oscar-winning monologue, we just expect someone who can look frightened. Jaime King fills that niche.
The audio for the film is intensely crisp and well balanced helping the less than capable writing and direction keep the tension going strong. The hi-def video combined with the 3D – when it’s used well – makes for a beautiful viewing experience.
Blu-ray Bonus Features
The extra features aren’t all that inspiring as Lionsgate put the majority of its eggs in the BD-Live basket, leaving precious little on the Blu-ray disc itself. First, the main disc features 2D and 3D versions of the film and a digital copy on a second disc. We’re treated to an audio commentary courtesy of director Patrick Lussier and writer Todd Farmer which fails to impress or entertain. They’re ideas for recreating the horror classic don’t even sound that interesting when they pitch them on the disc. Had the cast been more interesting, their takes on who they cast and why would also have meant more. There are two production featurettes: one that takes a “behind the scenes” look at the film and another that covers a horror genre favorite of blood, gore and makeup effects. Additional extras include deleted scenes, a gag reel and an alternate ending that easily surpasses the horribly inconsistent ending they opted for in the final cut.
"My Bloody Valentine 3D" is on sale May 19, 2009 and is rated R. Horror. Directed by Patrick Lussier. Written by Todd Farmer, Zane Smith. Starring Jaime King, Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith.
