As with most bad horror films, the problems begin early with Seventh Moon; it starts within the first few shots. We see an annoying tourist couple snap pictures and giggle during a Moon Festival celebration in China. Like watching blissfully unaware kids at a carousel when you know the title of the movie is Death Ride, these scenes in horror movies affirm what we usually feel when we see such happy scenes in real life: that there needs to be a cost. “Dumb tourists, commodifying Chinese culture, and ignoring the obvious reality behind their ghosts and monster legends,” we think. But instead of making them monster food for the sheer horror of it all, we must endure the reality of Seventh Moon: the sheer horror is that this first scene is the real story.
Even though the movie worked its best to put us against them, Melissa (Amy Smart) and new husband Yul (Timothy Chiou) get in the car of their tour guide Ping, who they love (the way most condescending people would love a cute Chinese tour guide named Ping), and take off. Ping ends up getting them lost and goes for help. When he doesn’t return after an hour, Melissa gets worried, wakes up her drunken, sleeping husband, and they go out to search, only to be met with sacrificed animals and strange shouts from inside a farmhouse. When they return to the car, they see that it’s been covered in blood. That’s when you remember: right, Blair Witch, creepy stuff in the woods, gotcha.
Except, this time, it isn’t happening to nobodies. It’s happening to Amy Smart. “What is that stuff?” she coos mellifluously to her husband which is more like the voice-over of an animated kids movie than someone who just found their car covered in blood. Smart moves through the whole movie like this - a strong heroine - when the non-plot and foreign, wooded setting, scream out for abject fear and hysteria. So, Blair Witch, but without the reality.
When the monsters, or “moonlings,” come they also disappoint, never being scarier than on the DVD cover. They kind of just bounce around the woods like the flying monkeys, which are awesome, but aren’t giving anyone nightmares anytime soon. Throughout the whole movie Melissa and Yul are chased by these pests, and that’s basically it, with the standard awful dialogue consisting of exactly what they are doing, and why.
The weakest part of this film is the fact that the whole story seems to boil down to a whoopsie. They were driving at night during the Seventh Moon, Ping got lost, and they just have to survive until the sun comes up. Yul has nothing to say for himself the entire time, and Melissa only seems like she does because of her famous face. Really, they are practically aloof, slightly confused individuals. There aren’t even any corny lines to laugh at, as it is played completely anemic the whole time, even when Melissa blames her husband that this would’ve never happened if he was Chinese. I know it seems impossible that that wouldn’t be funny, but it’s not. Amazingly not.
DVD Bonus Features
“Ghosts of Hong Kong: Making of Seventh Moon” is a short collection of behind the scenes footage, the best of which involves iMDB-declared vegetarian Amy Smart begrudgingly taking part in the ceremonial cutting of a roasted pig. “The Pale Figures” chronicles the make-up process for the monsters, and “Mysteries of the Seventh Lunar Month” is an old-timey newsreel about the myths and legends about the holiday. It talks about the human sacrifices that have been discovered in certain areas, with cheesy music and firsthand accounts—kind of fun. There is also a collection of “microvideos,” which pair a heavy metal soundtrack with all the different movies currently out under the Ghost House label, and which all look a lot scarier, funnier, and more worth your time and money than Seventh Moon.
It was announced recently that a third Blair Witch film is in the works from the directors, as a kind of ten-year anniversary. Hopefully, the other director will see this movie, and cancel as soon as possible.
"Seventh Moon" is on sale October 6, 2009 and is rated R. Horror. Directed by Eduardo Sanchez. Written by Jamie Nash & Eduardo Sanchez. Starring Amy Smart, Dennis Chan, Tim Chiou.
