Every now and then a review assignment unlike any other comes along. For some, you’re asked to endure the purest of shite in the hopes of dredging a comprehensible review that warns readers of the perils therein. Others propel the reviewer into worlds unknown. But the Pocket Snails Potty Adventure demanded more from me dear reader. I had to unlearn all that I knew of proper toilet usage only to learn it again at the capable hands of the shelled trio: Gordon, Dale and Buttons.
While my tutors would slide from one potty obstacle to the next, I found comfort in the knowledge that I wasn’t alone. Joined by Jake and his little sister Wendy, every hygienic challenge the Pocket Snails put in my journey became a triumph in the end. It all begins with the helpful “Potty Steps Map” included in the DVD case. Within seconds of tracing its path my worries found temporary comfort. At least the route was sure…but my success? Would I learn to again use the toilet? Or would my life become one shameless series of poop jokes?
I was in luck. Gordon, Dale and Buttons first took me through an elaborate tour of the 9 steps on the road to potty perfection.
- Self-realization: Sensing a need to defecate within my soul
- Public Relations: Alerting the nearest person of my innermost needs
- Location Scouting: Choosing that prime porcelain receptacle for my…product
- Exhibition: Uncovering the equipment to be used in the process
- Execution: Releasing the turmoil of my bowels and bladder into the waiting maw
- Wipage: Finding that nearest person and having them aid me with a scrap of tissue paper
- Cover-up: Replacing the cloth underwear to its proper location
- Transplanting: Taking the “product” and disposing of it in the proper fashion
- Purification: Scrubbing the impurity from my skin using Purell
The tour I received from the Pocket Snails opened my eyes to a new way of living. No longer must I live with my own odorous shame; now I can flush it without anyone, but that nearest person, having any idea of what I’d done.
But seriously, the DVD’s 30 minute program repeats each of the steps upwards of three times and the rather simple context should make it easy for even the youngest children to understand. While “Pocket Snail” sounds far too much like an anatomical euphemism for my tastes, their singing and dancing most certainly delivers the proper message for youngins.
As if this was necessary, the DVD comes with a rather impressive array of special features including:
Extra scenes: (2 scenes – 1 to offer encouragement to the child and another to reward them upon successful execution of the nasty).
Sing-Along Songs: 3 catchy ditties to stick in the child and remind them of everything they need to confidently exclaim “The Eagle has Landed”.
Blooper Reel: Okay…not that funny. Probably not even for the youngins. But I guess the fact that they tried counts for something.
Music Player: Couldn’t get enough of “We are the Pocket Snails” on repeat during the actual feature? Relax. The music player replays all the songs with a visualization screen for those children on acid.
I guess if you’re attempting to educate your children in the whole toilet-oriented urination and defecation processes you can’t really go wrong here. From everything I remember of my 4 or 5 psychology courses, all of the necessary repetition and visual stimulus can be found in the feature. If you want to step away from the traditional Everybody Poops that a lot of parents use, you ought give the Pocket Snails a chance.
I don’t know if Wendy ever really learned how to use the potty, but I did. And this isn’t about her. It’s about me.
"The Pocket Snails Potty Adventure" is on sale April 14, 2009 and is rated NR. Children & Family. Starring Various.
