If Flava Flav welcoming you to a horror movie doesn’t clue you in that it’s going to be god awful, what will? That’s not rhetorical. If you know, sound off below. As it stands, Dead Tone is a joke. An actual joke. I think. Not like everything is so laughably bad it’s funny (which it is), but that the film never had any intention of being scary. Slightly gruesome though it is, everything is conceived so horribly and with such a cliched, amateurish air that Dead Tone never even has a chance to be creepy. It’s a joke. It has to be.
It starts with a slumber party. Harmless fun. The adults party in the living room (it almost seems like they night be swingers) as the kids are assumedly asleep in the bedroom. But they’re not sleeping. Oh no. For you see, mischievous children that they are, they’ve been making prank calls to random numbers. As different people fall prey to their childish antics, they finally dial a number they’ll regret for the rest of their lives (which we get to see end, for most of them). After hanging up the call with the ominous, threatening voice on the other end, the children sit back somewhat freaked. Then, on cue, a man bursts into the partying domicile and kills all the adults with an axe. It’s a sad day for swingers.
Jump forward some ten years later, and the detective who investigated that slaughter house thinks the long-dormant murderer might have finally resurfaced. To sweeten the formulaic deal, the detective is played by Rutger Hauer, the only notable face in the otherwise hopeless cast. Wouldn’t you know it, they bench their star player for all but 10 minutes of the film. And, when he is onscreen, he’s spouting horrifically trite detective dialogue that would make Frank Miller sue for plagiarism. But please, don’t see this as a fault, but rather as part of the punch line. Otherwise you won’t be able to make it past the first ten minutes.
The children of the film’s intro were apparently spared in the massacre. Somehow, don’t ask me to explain it, the murderous voice on the other end of the line mistook the prepubescent voices of a group of children for that of drunken adults. Stupid murderer. Though, the kids are even stupider. 10 years later, one of the surviving kids has turned the activity which got his parents and the parents of all his friends killed into the ultimate party game. “75” requires all who play to call up a stranger and keep them on the line, convinced of something or horrible or sexy, for 75 seconds. Apparently, inciting the death of you and your friends’ loved ones isn’t enough of a hint that something is a bad idea. Well, a week is winding down and one of the kids, apparently adopted by a rich family, is throwing a party for his friends (including all the survivors of that massacre who have somehow, improbably stayed together/reunited despite each having been adopted by different families and then ending up at the same college). To further sweeten this cesspool of filmmaking comedy, the group of friends has grown into a collection of lovable stereotypes every horror film fan likes to watch meet their fate. Included are the most offensive gay character in recent memory, a headstrong black guy, and the statuesque beau and his blond dreamcicle. Watch them die. Yeehaw.
They’re all at the big house party when headstrong black guy, who makes every party play his “75” game, puts his act on. Everyone is enjoying it until, somehow, that fateful number is dialed once again and the killer - once again - takes his vengeance on these very stupid people. Huzzah! Oh, and there’s a “twist” ending. Ha.
Do you like to laugh at bad horror? Go for it. Do you value your current brain cell count? Stay away.
DVD Bonus Features
There’s a behind the scenes featurette, but it’s short and not all that interesting.
"Dead Tone" is on sale March 9, 2010 and is rated R. Horror. Directed by Brian Hooks, Deon Taylor. Written by Brian Hooks, Vashon Nutt, Deon Taylor. Starring Rutger Hauer, Brian Hooks, Jud Tylor, Cherie Johnson.
