Ever think back to a film from the 90s, and you remember liking it, or at the very least enjoying it, but upon rewatching it you can’t help but say out loud, “What the hell was I thinking?” If you haven’t done that lately, try The Relic on Blu-ray. At the time it seemed to have all the elements for an interesting and exciting thriller, but looking back now it feels like it plods along at an unforgivably slow pace, all the while drowning in expositional talk as if the audience can’t keep up with its simple story. A wild, mythical beast linked to an ancient artifact makes a new home in Chicago’s Museum of Natural History. Tie in a theme of superstition’s validity and the opening of a big exhibit centered on that, and you…still have a really simple story. The film doesn’t just miss on Blu-ray though, even in its theatrical release it failed to recoup even half of its $70 million budget.
Dr. Margo Green (Penelope Ann Miller) has been competing with Dr. Lee (Chi Moui Lo) for funding on her projects for the last few years, but until now it’s never seemed like she was facing any serious threat. But Dr. Lee has turned his sights on her grants and now she must scramble to impress the well-to-do Blaisedales (Francis X. McCarthy and Constance Towers) at the big opening of the museum’s superstition exhibit. The opening night is in danger, however, as a recent delivery to the museum seems to have brought with it some violent monster that delights in snacking on people’s brains. To the monster’s credit, it chose a pretty perfect snacking spot, assuming you believe that museums attract smart people. In this film, that doesn’t hold true though, as everyone seems to run about with their heads cut off in a panic. Will we make the event on time? Will the monster eat us? Will we adequately spout off all the necessary lines to keep the audiences clued in and interested? No. No, for most. And no.
To help solve the murders, Lt. Vincent D’Agosta (Tom Sizemore), the epitome of cop clichés as he voices all his insecurities betwixt little factoids that prove relevant to the story in some strange way, locks down the museum and finally gets his chance at snagging the monster at the museum’s opening. How many cops, researchers, dogs must die before Vincent can do his job? Quite a few.
Critic Leonard Maltin described The Relic best when he called it ‘Alien in a museum’. While that description is apt, it oversimplifies the situation. Alien was a masterpiece of science fiction, cinematography, and tone. Would it still have been as great if you took the events of the film out of a small space trawler and put it in a wide open field? Not really, though Aliens found a perfect balance somewhere in between. Alien paired its terrific monster effects with the claustrophobia of a small ship. You couldn’t run. You couldn’t hide. It was a genuine feeling of kill or be killed, a concept few films can reproduce because usually running is a pretty safe and viable option. But The Relic? It has no such bonuses to boost its story. The few times when it does attempt to instill a sense of predator and prey in a small area, the cinematography ruins it by never framing it in such a way that the inherent panic works its way from the screen to the viewer. Conceptually it’s ‘Alien in a museum’ but in terms of execution, that description is insulting to Ridley Scott’s superior film. The Relic amounts to little more than a cheap monster-of-the-week genre film that only fans will really love.
Blu-ray Bonus Features
Director Peter Hyams gives a rather self-indulgent audio commentary, suggesting that he thinks he might have created a brilliant thriller – he didn’t, but there’s no point in trying to argue with an audio track. If you couldn’t get enough of Hyams there, then stick around for the brief interview featurette where he doubles back on the material in a few choice soundbytes. Just like with the purchase, only fans will really care enough to go that extra mile.
"The Relic" is on sale April 6, 2010 and is rated R. Horror, Thriller. Directed by Peter Hyams. Written by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child (novel), Amy Holden Jones and John Raffo and Rick Jaffa & Amanda Silver (Screenplay) . Starring Tom Sizemore, Penelope Ann Miller, Linda Hunt.
