The Back-up Plan did estrogen-fueled audiences a favor by being an early counterbalance to the impending testosterone-laden summer blockbuster majority we’ll be eating up for the next three to four months. Every year we get maybe a handful of female-skewing blockbusters in this season, and The Back-up Plan is making this subsection’s presence heard early on. What an embarrassment it is then that this prompt piece of romantic comedy should be so god awful. Though, if it’s any consolation to the female audience, the downright shameful quality of The Back-up Plan could be seen as a bright side. You really can’t do any worse; by contrast every other chick flick blockbuster this summer will seem like a breath of fresh air. Will there be any that reach the heights of last year’s The Proposal? That’s hard to say. But we can say with absolute certainty The Back-up Plan isn’t it.
From square one the movie sets up a cliché: that cutesy joke every couple has that follows them from day one to the toast at their wedding. For Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) and Stan (Alex O’Loughlin), it’s who stole whose cab. On a rainy day they bump into each other in the back seat of a taxi. Who waved it down? That’s a matter of “humorous” contention that will follow them through the rest of the movie. For Zoe, the meeting comes two hours too late, as she’s heading home after her artificial insemination appointment. Artificial insemination? Have Zoe and her husband had trouble conceiving? Nope, Zoe has simply given up on trying to find love (cliche 2). So she’s skipping right to maternity, because everyone knows that children love you unconditionally. That’s why people have children. Wait…no, that’s why people get puppies.
Zoe lives the single life. Or she had been, until she met Stan. The romance, as cliché number three would have it, buds instantaneously with both parties acquiescing to the needs of the other without either having to ask. He’s all too willing to date a woman who confesses to being pregnant courtesy of a turkey baster and she’s needy beyond a quirky sense. At least four or five times in the course of the movie she sends him away because he shouldn’t have to deal with her insanity [read: pregnancy hormones]. He however, contrary to every evolutionary, rational, and emotional imperative, sticks around with this woman he’s known for about two weeks in order to be the father of her child.
It’s sweet. Every woman wants that man in her life that would drop to his knee, propose marriage, and offer to take care of an unborn child upon hearing the news. It’s a sweeping romantic gesture and it’s an understandable fantasy: a selfless human being; philosophers have been postulating its existence since before that Jesus guy. Unfortunately, for every aspect that makes it “sweet” it also makes the situation so hideously, unbearably saccharine that it’s too hard to swallow. I would heretofore suggest an amendment to that Mary Poppins ditty “A Spoonful of Sugar” - a spoonful helps the medicine go down, but 20 spoonfuls cause diabetes and lead to the amputation of a foot. After The Back-up Plan, you’ll need a wheelchair to leave the theater, and don’t be surprised if your friends call you “Ankles McGee”. It’s rife with clichés, filled with sappy dialogue, and frankly gives the romantic comedy a bad name. Many women like to dismiss the male opinion on romantic comedies as unqualified, but there are plenty that I enjoy, all it takes is some semblance of quality, and that’s just not present here.
Jennifer Lopez should have stayed retired from her acting career, as she clearly took this movie as a comeback because she felt it symbolic of her journey thus far. Alex O’Loughlin deserves better work, but if he can’t choose a better script than this – well, natural selection plays itself out in the professional world too.
I know the choices are poor for romantic comedies right now, but spare yourself and skip this one. Even if you’re desperate for a love story, this will only disappoint.
"The Back-up Plan" opens April 23, 2010 and is rated PG13. Comedy, Romance. Directed by Alan Poul. Written by Kate Angelo. Starring Alex OLoughlin, Jennifer Lopez, Eric Christian Olsen, Michaela Watkins, Anthony Anderson.
