Stories like the one featured in The Last Song are so stale that they beckon to be tossed in the garbage and set on fire; instead, teenage audiences continue ingesting them. What is worse is that it's based off a novel written by Nicholas Sparks, whose novels are so disgustingly predictable and contrived that I almost shudder to recall the time I actually sat down and watched A Walk to Remember.
Here's how it goes almost every time: some girl who dresses in mostly black and has a sordid past (even at 17, which means she doesn't really have that sordid of a past) relocates to a place where she does not fit in. She hates her loving parents, but will get distracted from that when she meets a boy who is total dreamboat, but is from the opposite side of the tracks. Love has no bounds though, and so she will end up biting her lower lip a bunch of times and then fall in love two days after meeting him. Things will be going great with the two as they grow closer and closer, until the end when a secret is revealed that will test their love (and our patience). By the end though, after some grave misunderstanding and brief separation, all will be forgiven, and she will be happy because she now has a boyfriend with a six pack. It's such a tiresome template for a story, yet it's played out over and over again and it's welcomed with open arms by its target audience.
I tried viewing this through my 13-year-old-girl lens, and with that, it's not the absolute worst movie ever. It hits the appropriate notes and goes through the motions that are usually found in Nicholas Sparks' novels. However, a serious beat missed is any kind of real connection found between the two lovelorn characters, Ronnie (Miley Cyrus) and Will (Liam Hemsworth). They have but two things in common: they both read Tolstoy, and they both care for the well-being of a bunch of sea turtle eggs in Ronnie's backyard. Though, Will's forced to care for the eggs because he works at the town's aquarium, and Ronnie, well, she just doesn't want a bunch of raccoons eating the turtle eggs. So much so that she camps out at night a few times in order to ward off any raccoons that try to eat them. I think a good addition would be to show how Ronnie disrupted the food chain and the raccoon died by the end of the film because it had nothing to eat.
Anyway, that's how Ronnie and Will begin liking one another. Sea turtle eggs. Their love though is born out of tickle fights in the ocean, tickle fights in the mud (seriously), and the constant exchanging of “let's make out” glances. The film could have at least given them something in common more than some sea turtles and Tolstoy. In the last act, when Will's secret becomes known, and Ronnie unfairly hates him for it and shoos him away, are we supposed to care? They've been dating for what seems like a few weeks, have already declared their love for one another, and now she's breaking it off. It's not like they have a huge history together. Unless Will has constant tickle fights in the mud, I don't think he will have many ex-girlfriend pangs.
These stories seem to inflict damage onto themselves two fold: first, they make the characters way too happy too soon. Then, in order to make the ending happy, it forces some irrelevant catastrophe, and seeing as this is a Nicholas Sparks' story, it came as no surprise what that catastrophe was. I'm probably being overly cautious by not saying what it is, because if you're familiar with his writing, you know what happens in the end of pretty much all of the films adapted from his novels. The only purpose of these “twist” endings is to make the audience tear up.
As Ronnie, Miley Cyrus does what she has to do: she plays some contemptuous teen who backtalks her kind father (Greg Kinnear, whose talent supersedes this film). It's difficult to determine whether or not Miley Cyrus is trying to break into a more “grown-up” acting career. The film plays out a like run-of-the-mill, made-for-Disney movie of the week. If she cares to be taken seriously, she doesn't show it by appearing in this film.
If you were interested in seeing this in the first place, there's a great chance you'll find this a memorable addition to the shelf space you have reserved for Nicholas Sparks' schlock. If you took one look at the trailer for this movie and dry-heaved as I did, well, you know what you are getting into.
Blu-ray Bonus Features
The Blu-ray gets points for having a director/producer commentary for the whole movie. It also has an alternate opening to the movie with director commentary, too. Also, some deleted scenes, a music video made for the movie sung by none other than Miley Cyrus, the short making-of for the music video, and then a quick “set tour” with Bobby Coleman, who plays Ronnie's kid brother. It plays out like something you'd see during commercial breaks on the Disney Channel.
"The Last Song" is on sale August 17, 2010 and is rated PG. Drama. Directed by Julie Anne Robinson. Written by Nicholas Spark (novel and screenplay), Jeff Van Wie (screenplay). Starring Bobby Coleman, Greg Kinnear, Kelly Preston, Liam Hemsworth, Miley Cyrus.
