So far, remakes of beloved horror classics haven’t exactly won over fans of the originals, and for good reason: studios attempt to ratchet up visuals and sacrifice the scares in the process. There have been exceptions, but they’re few and far between. Where The Thing is concerned, the distance has only gotten a little bigger, but at least the end product in this case proves enjoyable, albeit unintentionally. The Thing falls into every cliché trap the horror genre has to offer and the story is riddled with plotholes and two-dimensional characters, and inadvertently becomes a comedy. Even if the mix of special effects and practical puppetry make for a great monster, that’s not enough to keep the whole thing afloat or stop the audience from laughing as the film’s protagonist follows someone into an isolated room in a perfect example of horror film stupidity.
In the depths of Antarctica, a Norwegian science team has made an incredible discovery, two in fact: a humongous but abandoned spaceship and a creature completely frozen in ice nearby. Their discovery prompts the recruitment of paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), Adam Goodman (Eric Christian Olsen), and Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) who arrive at the secluded research station populated almost entirely by the Norwegians and two American pilots (Joel Edgerton, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). When the mysterious creature is removed from the ice, still encased in a gigantic frozen block, it breaks loose and brings all hell with it. Thanks to its ability to infect people and turn them into fellow tentacle monsters with gaping maws while taking on their appearance in the meanwhile, the monster creates an atmosphere of fear in the research compound as Kate and the others lead a hunt to kill any remnant of the monster before it can find transportation to the outside world.
The Thing telegraphs every single one of its twists and turns long before they reach the screen, and at some points it almost seems to revel in that fact. The best example comes at the start of the “Who’s a monster?” witch hunt, when a character suggests to Kate that she knows where some keys are hidden and leads Kate into a back room. Of course, we know what’s going to happen. After all, Kate just got finished telling us a story that the alien could look like anyone in the facility, but still thinks it smart to wander off alone with someone without actually knowing them at all? One previous conversational scene beforehand does not a foundation for trust make. It’s sloppy horror writing and it only continues as the film wears on.
If that kind of bad horror movie logic isn’t enough to turn you off of The Thing, how about a character needlessly endangering another when they know they’re not a monster? That’s exactly what Kate does, despite the fact that the number of potential monsters outnumbers the confirmed humans. Instead, Kate exiles one such ally to a small shed with another person who could be infected. The sense of it all baffles the mind, and if the film had some actual scares to distract the audience, then maybe it wouldn’t be so egregious; but it doesn’t, and so we have a lot of time to think about every stupid decision the characters make purely for the sake of heightening the film’s horror quotient.
Perhaps the best indicator of the how The Thing fails in telling its story through visuals and characters can be summed up in one word: Lars. He's easily one of the most likable supporting characters in the bunch and he's written out with no explanation until a final sequence cut between the credits. It's a great scene that clearly sets up a sequel, but it's also the best filmed part of The Thing. It's much rawer and seems more in sync with the antarctic setting than almost everything that preceded it. If Lars is the protagonist of the sequel and it follows in the vein established in those final minutes, it could be much more compelling than this misfire of a remake.
The one conceivable reason to indulge in The Thing’s particular brand of horror schlock is for the combination of CGI and practical effects to make a respectful update of Christian Nyby’s original*. Sure, the speed of the alien as created by the computer only adds a lot more questions as to why it doesn’t just stab and infect everyone in the room with its lightning fast tentacles, but it at least gives the film some sense of danger that doesn’t have us rolling our eyes. In this case, the monster is the only real villain the film has, because all of the attempts to create tension between the researchers fall flat. Either it ends up playing like comedy or it’s just so over the top cheesy and unreasonable that at some level you just want them all to die, because at least the monster’s wants and desires make sense: eat people and reproduce. Savage? Sure, but at least that makes sense.
[Editor's note: Corrected from "John Carpenter's original" - the wrong director was cited.]
"The Thing" opens October 14, 2011 and is rated R. Horror. Directed by Matthijs Van Heijningen Jr. Written by Eric Heisserer. Starring Eric Christian Olsen, Joel Edgerton, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Ulrich Thomsen, Adewale Akinnuoye Agbaje, Jørgen Langhelle.
