The original Conan (the Robert E. Howard creation, before the Governator) was a bearded, long-haired barbarian, a misogynist, frequently-bored king whose favorite pastime was gutting evil wizards or saving pirate princesses from the ravages of feminism. The character was complicated in the way all macho fantasies are complicated, from King Arthur to Hemingway. But the best part of the Howard stories wasn't so much Conan but the style. Howard's prose is brooding, florid, sinister, baroque. There was an air of over-the-top fatalism that went right to the edge of parody, and that's what made it fun. Not that Howard didn't take himself seriously — he was bipolar and an eventual suicide. But he took himself so seriously that you didn't really have to.
Which was what made the Governator's Conan the Barbarian good in its own way. The atmosphere was dystopian, the dialogue was hilariously overwrought ("Conan, what is best in life?"), the writing was epic back when "epic" meant silly and not merely boring. Schwarzenegger brooded and growled like a boss, and a suprise turn by James Earl Jones as the luxuriously-haired Thulsa Doom made sure no one was about to take any of this seriously. The new Conan, however, both takes itself too seriously and doesn't take itself seriously enough. It's overblown in all the wrong ways: aiming at Lord of the Rings, it lands somewhere between Tomb Raider and Prince of Persia in the pantheon of disappointing fantasies.
We start at the beginning, with Conan literally being born in battle, ripped from his mother's belly by a somewhat confused Ron Perlman. Perlman plays Conan's ginger-bearded father with a sensitivity that seems out of place: this Conan isn't the murderous nihilist of '82, or the loyal but blank hero of the '30s. This is a modern Conan. He loves his family, he's angered by slavery, he consorts with empowered women ("harlots.") We suspect that beneath his gruff exterior and well-oiled hair he is a sensitive soul. Maybe he has a kitten.
Of course, Conan's home life is quickly shattered by the warlord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang), who attacks Cimmeria in order to recover the shards of the Mask of Convenience, or something. We are told in no uncertain terms that the mask is the source of ultimate power, though on-screen it does little more than wiggle in a way that makes me uncomfortable. Conan's people are slaughtered but he escapes to grow into the hunky Jason Momoa (Game of Thrones).
Momoa, with his dark hair and impressive but not overwhelming physique, looks more the part than any previous Conan (Schwarzenegger was so big he could barely swing his sword), though he's much better when he doesn't talk, especially since the dialogue feels like it was written by the same people who write cut-scenes in video games. However, he doesn't quite have the presence yet to carry a whole movie. Which is basically what he's asked to do here, since neither the heroine (Rachel Nichols, pretty but miscast) nor the villains (Stephen Lang and Rose McGowan) are interesting enough to carry it. Rose McGowan is particularly disappointing as the proto-goth Marique, who somehow managed to find a Hot Topic in the forests of Ascheron. McGowan was pretty scary in the 90s, but here she slinks and pouts like someone desperately trying to convince us she's still sexy.
It's a shame, really. I had high hopes for this Conan, since it seemed to be just bloody and brutal enough to capture the spirit of the short stories. There is plenty of blood and plenty of brutality of course, but it ends up merely repetitive. How many heads can be bashed against stones? How many times can Conan renege on a deal with a baddie? How many balls can get rolled into a village/encampment/town? (The movie might be fixated with balls.)
Then there's the issue of CGI. When will filmmakers realize that the amount of fun an action sequence has is in inverse proportion to the amount of obvious computer enhancement? Young Conan busting the heads of four raiders using only rocks and tree trunks? Fun. Adult Conan fighting an army of CGI sand monsters? Boring. These days, "climactic final battle" seems to mean giant catacombs and huge set pieces and improbable bridges over improbable chasms. It's so predictable you wonder why they bother filming whole new sequences, since they could easily get away with recycling scenes from last year's Fantasy Blockbuster. Might not even have to photoshop the faces, since it's not like anyone's paying attention anyway.
Still, there are things to enjoy in this Conan, like the big-hearted companion Artus (Nonso Anozie). The supporting cast is actually pretty fun, which makes you wonder why Conan so frequently sets off alone. In the end though, it feels less like the beginning of a new epic series and more like your average forgettable action movie.
By Crom, what a disappointment.
Blu-ray Bonus Features
The 3d-2d two-disc edition has both the 3d and 2d Blu-ray versions, a DVD version, plus a link to a digital copy on iTunes. There are two audio commentaries, one with the director and a much more entertaining one with Momoa and McGowan, who have such a rapport you wish they had more screen time together. There are a number of other featurettes, like a history of the Conan character, a deconstruction of the action sequences, and a short biography of Robert E. Howard.
"Conan the Barbarian" is on sale November 22, 2011 and is rated R. Action, Adventure, Fantasy. Directed by Marcus Nispel. Written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, Sean Hood. Starring Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan, Stephen Lang.
