After watching 1981's Enter the Ninja, I have two burning questions. First, why had I never heard of this movie before? Second, why hasn't it gotten a remake starring Park and Recreation's Nick Offerman as the mustachioed white ninja? I had fairly low expectations going into this movie, but wow, Enter the Ninja is everything I want in a good bad movie. It is crying out for midnight screenings and a cult following. Cinematic Titanic should be riffing on it. I can only hope that this review kick-starts a movement, and in 2012, Enter the Ninja will get the love and appreciation it clearly deserves.
In Enter the Ninja, Cole (Franco Nero) has finished studying Ninjutsu and been certified a full-fledged ninja by his master. However, one of his fellow ninjas Hasegawa (Sho Kosugi) does not believe that Cole is a real ninja, so he slinks off into the background so he can show up as a villain in the third act. In the meantime, Cole visits his best friend Frank (Alex Courtney) and Frank's new wife Mary Ann (Susan George) at their plantation in the Phillippines. Despite their good relationship with the locals, Frank and Mary Ann are running into problems with The Hook (Zachi Noy), a hook-handed German thug played by a C-list Paul Giamatti, whose effeminate boss Charles Venarius (Christopher George) wants to buy Frank and Mary Ann's plantation for nefarious purposes. When Cole steps up and takes down The Hook's men, Venarius hires Hasegawa to take out Cole once and for all.
This description doesn't begin to do justice to how inexplicably awesome the movie is. Most of the dialogue looks like it was recorded in a studio in post-production. Characters get to deliver lines like, “You know what I want to do right now? Get stoned out of my mind.” When Cole meets Mary Ann for the first time, he tackles her to the ground and very clearly cops a feel. The movie's flaming gay criminal mastermind spends most of his time in a kimono directing a pool full of hot young girls in a synchronized-swimming routine. People have blood with the consistency of Kool-Aid pouring out of their bodies despite not having any visible wounds. The pacing isn't weighed down with lengthy exposition or unnecessary character development. Enter the Ninja is absolutely insane and yet wholly entertaining. Do not be fooled by the generic title or the baffling “synopsis” on the back cover of the DVD which is really just a description of the art of Ninjutsu. See this movie. Buy this movie. You won't regret it.
SPECIAL FEATURES
The DVD only comes with the film and the theatrical trailer.
"Enter the Ninja" is on sale October 18, 2011 and is not rated. Action, Adventure, Martial-Arts. Directed by Menahem Golan. Written by Dick Desmond, Mike Stone. Starring Sho Kosugi, Susan George, Franco Nero, Christopher George, Alex Courtney, Zachi Noy.
