While it's probably unfair and narrow-minded to measure every aquatic monster movie against Jaws, that film does set a good precedent for how to handle errant fish; namely, the reality is far more frightening than anything CGI wizards would be able to whip up. While not strictly governed by the rules of either marine biology or physics, Jaws generally gave the impression that a shark could actually do the things that it was shown to do. Shark Night 3D operates under no such pretext, and shows its finned predators leaping out of the water and moving at speeds that make the film all but irredeemable. There are plenty of other problems with Night, but nothing sinks it faster than missing the fundamental appeal of sharks.
Otherwise, the premise of the film is hilariously sound. The teenagers-at-a-cabin-in-the-woods pretext is rote enough, but the notion of villains placing sharks into an inland body of water is filled with hilarious potential (even more so when their motivation is finally revealed). There are no surprises when those villains are revealed, or when the most obvious characters die first (though the level of racial tension at play feels desperate and unnecessary), but there remains an insistent feeling that something hilarious could have been made had this been produced by Joe Dante in the 80s or Roger Corman in the 60s. Alas, it wasn't, and try as anyone might, there's really no way to breathe life into a PG-13 horror movie, especially one that features a shot of one of the main characters spray-tanning his junk.
But even that probably isn't as distressing as sharks that you don't even root for to eat people. There are any number of ways to say that the CGI in this movie sucks, but, as usual, Goodfellas says it best. Paulie Cicero, Paul Sorvino's corpulent mob boss, doesn't move too fast because "he doesn't move for anybody." Sharks are huge, muscular creatures that leave immense ripples of destruction behind them; their movement is calm, measured, and assured, but above all graceful. Just like the best monster movies convey the majesty of their wild beasts (think King Kong and Jurassic Park), the best representations of sharks show an enemy that you just know will never lose its cool before you do.
Absolutely none of that is here. The sharks in Shark Night zip around the screen like paper bags in a tornado. They have no sense of the mass that we know them to have, nor is there a suitable justification for it. Were Night at least gracious enough to grant them legs or wings or robot suits or some other ridiculous accoutrements, some of this might be justified, but they don't even get to fight crocodiles or giant snakes. At least Lamprey Night could have covered some new ground.
Under the circumstances, it's almost merciful that the sharks aren't on screen any more than they are, which is about the saddest thing that you can say about a movie with "shark" in the title. Instead, most of the film's running time is spent with coeds as they disrobe, argue, and/or panic. But as much emphasis as it puts on its stars’ undraped forms, they never actually have any sex, or enliven any of the proceedings with the promise that they might. It’s a product of Maxim-masturbation culture rather than Playboy-sex culture, and it’s geared towards those who are unfamiliar with it rather than those who could have fun with it. The constant hillbilly-phobia isn’t much fun either, let alone contributing to the sexiness that the soundtrack seems to keep insisting is there.
Bonus Features
The disc has something called "Shark Attack Kill Machine", which is nothing other than all of the shark attacks in the film played together. It feels like admitting there's no reason to see the movie, but in the plus column, it's a lot shorter. There's also something called the "Shark Night Survival Guide", which has some fun facts, but nothing too exciting, as well as some making-of's and a trailer.
"Shark Night 3D" is on sale January 3, 2012 and is rated PG13. Horror. Directed by David R Ellis. Written by Will Hayes, Jesse Studenberg. Starring Donal Logue, Joshua Leonard, Katherine Mcphee, Joel David Moore, Sinqua Walls, Alyssa Diaz.
