Saturday.Apr.26.2008

Weekly Doses of Villainy: Live from McDonalds

By Lex Walker

Preface: Fast-food is really bad for you. If that isn’t enough of a deterrent, the people working at McDonalds are as likely to serve you as kill you. That’s a real statistic. Oh, and as always, I’m an asshole of mythical proportions.

Premise: I attempt to order 10 four-piece nuggets, the server’s brain explodes.

Server: May I help the next customer in line please?

(I step forward)

Me: Yes, hi.

Server: What can I get for you?

Me: I said hi.

(the server gives me a tired look)

Server: Hello.

(I stare blankly)

Server: (sigh) How may I help you today?

Me: Oh, well let me see…

(I stare at the board above. The menu hasn’t changed substantially since I was last there 8 years ago, but I feel the need to take a long, drawn-out look)

Minutes pass…Server lady looks at me…then behind me at the line. To my sides other cashiers have each gone through two other customers during my browsing session.

Me: Excuse me miss?

Server: Yes?

Me: Do you have a 40 piece nugget?

Server: 4, 6 10 and 20.

Me: Okay okay. So I could order like two 20 piecers right?

Server: I suppose you could.

Me: Right okay. Oh geez, but that’d be like 18 bucks.

Server: (nothing)

Me: That’s a lot of money.

Server: (nothing)

Me: Is it a lot of chicken?

Server: 40 nuggets, yeah.

Me: How many chickens would you say that is total?

Server: Like 6 maybe?

Me: Really?!? Wow! 6 chickens for 18 bucks that’s a steal! That’s like what? $6 a chicken?

Server: Yeah that’s right.

Me: No it’s not.

Server: (nothing)

Me: Man, 6 chickens. Or I could just go for a Big Mac. How many chickens in a Big Mac?

Server: It’s beef.

Me: Alright, how many beef-made chickens?

Server: I don’t-

Me: I know I know. But imagine, if you will, a world where beef comes from chicken and chicken comes from cows. You follow?

Server: Cows…give birth to chickens?

Me: Don’t get smart with me. I’m talking in meat terms. So how many burgers do you think a single chicken could make.

Server: that depends on the burger sir.

Me: Quarter pounders.

Server: 12?

Me: 1/3 pounders?

Server: 16?

Me: Big Macs?

Server: I don’t –

Me: Have any concept of fractions I know.

Server: Are you ready to order?

Me: Yes, I think so. I want 18 chickens worth of nuggets.

Server: A 40 piece?

Me: You don’t have 40 piecers.

Server: 2 20piece?

Me: That’s far too expensive.

Server: (anger) What then?

Me: I want 10 4-piecers.

Server: Really?

Me: My way, right away, right? That’s your motto right?

Server: Actually –

Me: or was it ‘Eat Fresh’. That’s a good one, real catchy. Short. To the point.

Server: Subway.

Me: I don’t want Subway. Are my nuggets ready?

Server: I haven’t placed your order yet.

Me: Why not?

Server: You haven’t paid.

Me: Capitalist pig.

Server: Excuse me?

Me: How many nuggets in a pig?

Server: That’ll be $10.89

Me: How much is that on a per nugget basis?

Server: I don’t-

Me: Can you check? Ask your manager?

Server: (nothing)

Me: Please, I’m doing a survey.

Server: Really?

Me: Yes, I’m a secret shopper testing for customer service.

Server: I’ll get the manager.

(the server leaves the desk and heads back into the kitchen area, he talks to a plump little Indian guy and they both return)

Manager: Can I help you sir?

Me: Yes, I’m with Associated Shoppers, can you give me your store’s franchise number?

Manager: Our what?

Me: Your ID # something something. The number that identifies your McDonalds from the billions of others?

Manager: Why do you need that?

Me: It’s part of my thing….

Manager: The secret shopper program?

Me: Yeah….that one…

Manager: I didn’t know secret shoppers did fast food.

Me: It’s a new….branch…section of the program

Manager: Why did you call me over?

Me: Oh, yes, right. How many nuggets – wait I need to lay some groundwork for this. Let’s say that Chickens weren’t the only animals-

Manager: Are you serious?

Me: Let me finish. This has a point.

Manager: Let’s get the point out of the way first.

Me: Oooh, I would but it’s important that it have context. Sorry. Alright, so, let’s say that not only chickens produced their white meat but cows and pigs as well, you follow?

Manager: I don’t have time for this.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you cared about customer service.

Manager: As far as I can tell you’re not a customer, you’re just a-

Me: Yes?

Manager: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get angry.

Me: It’s quite alright. I’m used to it. It’s not right subjecting managers to surprise inspections like this. Fundamentally, I’m against it.

Manager: Then why are you a secret shopper.

Me: Are you calling me a communist?

Manager: What?

Me: I thought McCarthyism died long ago. But it’s nice to know there’s still a restaurant in Manhattan where it lives on.

Manager: I didn’t mean-

Me: Are my nuggets ready?

Manager: I don’t think we ever processed your order.

Me: Well why the hell not?

Manager: Please settle down sir. What did you order?

Me: 10 4-piece nuggets.

Manager: Very well I’ll - oh, I’m sorry sir there’s a limit on Dollar menu items.

Me: Why?

Manager: We wouldn’t want to run out of low-priced items for other customers.

Me: Now, who’s the communist? I thought this was a capitalist country. Hell, McDonalds is the living, breathing entity of capitalism around the world. No matter where you are. No matter what language is spoken around you. You can rest assured that when the craving for 20 chickens in small bite-sized servings rears its ugly head McDonalds will be there.

Manager: (nothing…looks embarrassed)

Me: You know what? That’s fine. I’m taking my business to Wendy’s. She may be a whore but she’ll do whatever she can to please her customers. Unlike this communist insurgent in our midst. I’m reporting you. You’re scum.

Manager: (nothing)

I leave – but take 20 little ketchup packets and what I've now counted to be 23 straws, I looked for some of the sauce packets but I suspect they keep those behind the desk.

 

Got a scoop, update, or corrections? Send us a note at news@justpressplay.net

Click to Comment (5)

Hello, stranger

Share this page

Read More About

Search

Headlines